(516): Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
(978): so my phone autocorrects ‘retard’ to ‘retaaahd’. i LOVE being a masshole!
(865): You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
(651): I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
(530): just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
[^side note, i watched the first half of this while still on mush. bad call. ]
(518): im in his phone as ‘great ass to tap’
(410): I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed…. and my facebook status was “pepperonis”
(914): woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat… jameson strikes again
(607): I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can’t remember your sisters name
(519): she’s got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I’m pretty sure that about sums it up…
(519): All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
(519): oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we’re gonna get the mailman again
(613): Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
(1-613): no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
(613): somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
and just because it’s still all kinds of win
(519): and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered “Simba”
